


with your scent that trapped me

by dalkoo



Series: TXT Hanahaki Trilogy [2]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends Choi Beomgyu & Choi Yeonjun, Best Friends Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun, Choi Yeonjun Is Bad At Feelings, Established Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Learning how to love again, M/M, Mentioned 02 Enhypen Line, Mentioned Kim Namjoon | RM, Minor Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Kim Namjoon | RM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29132778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dalkoo/pseuds/dalkoo
Summary: Soobin knew what heartbreak was. He’s felt it twice, the feeling of his heart crumbling into pieces and falling to the ground scarring him. And in a world where hanahaki existed, those scars became permanent.Left without the ability to love, Soobin could feel himself fall harder and harder for Yeonjun, something that scared them both, wondering if it was actually love. That is, until Soobin was given an opportunity.White roses. A flower of everlasting love and new beginnings. A new beginning where Soobin can regain the ability to love.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Series: TXT Hanahaki Trilogy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2079669
Comments: 13
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to my Taegyu fic, Your Petals and Your Thorns, and it would be recommended that you read that first before beginning this one, as I might make references to the past, which was stated in the previous fic.

_ December 28, 2017 _

_ I’m scared. My surgery is in four hours, and I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since I woke up this morning. She came over by the way, left her parents’ house early to come and see me. She gave me a final hug as a girlfriend - I cried not gonna lie - and told me she’ll wait for me to wake up so we can end it properly. _

_ I know I said it before, but I’m so scared. I’m so scared of losing something that made me human. But I have no choice...I tried, I really did. We both did, but I got sicker. _

_ The thorns started getting sharper, I was throwing up more roses and blood, it just wasn’t working. There just wasn’t any point in trying to save the relationship anymore. _

_ Future Soobin, please don’t hate me in the inevitable future. Just know that I did it to save both of us. _

_ Just remember that love isn’t worth it. It’s not worth being sick for three months straight. It’s not being on the constant brink of life or death. Maybe you won’t agree with me in a couple of weeks, days, or even hours, but trust me, you’ll understand one day. _

»——❀——«

Three years. It’s been three years since Soobin lost the ability to love, losing it over a high school relationship that was doomed to fail from the very beginning. It was built on a rocky foundation of blissful ignorance of unstable pillars of immaturity and insecurities.

So on October 19, 2017, Soobin began to throw up white roses. It was the final nail in the coffin, putting his barely floating relationship to rest.

  
  


It was 2020 now, and admittedly, Soobin has forgotten what it was like to love. He didn’t think he could, as love was often called the strongest emotion in the world, but with the feeling of emptiness slowly eating him whole over time, he was only left with an idea of what love was.

Sure, he felt happy when he was with others he supposedly loved, he felt joy and could feel sadness whenever they argued. But he knew it wasn’t love. It just wasn’t that simple, feeling only three emotions.

And then he, someone who always smelled like the sweetest flowers, came around, and shook up Soobin’s entire world, leaving him in constant distress and confusion.

The way Soobin’s heart would be loudly in his chest whenever the other softly touched his face, the way his face would begin to reach the temperatures of the sun whenever kisses were planted on his cheeks, the way butterflies in his stomach formed whenever he saw him smile left him disoriented.

Because he knew it wasn’t love, it just wasn’t that simple, but he couldn’t help but wonder. He couldn’t help but wonder why it left it giddy inside, wanting more. Because he knew love was addictive, and he always ended up craving more whenever he went a second without feeling those fuzzy feelings.

But of course, things just couldn’t be that easy. Something always had to be in the way.

»——❀——«

_**April 13, 2020** _

“So yeah, I can’t - I can’t feel love, and then I also forgot how,” Soobin said softly as he focused his attention on rubbing circles in his palms. “I haven’t been able to for nearly three years. I should’ve told you earlier, but I didn’t...I’m sorry.”

He could feel Yeonjun’s intense stare burn holes into his head. The older had yet to say anything, didn’t even breathe loudly when Soobin was talking. He was just silent the entire time. And to Soobin’s dismay, he heard Yeonjun stand up from the bed without a word.

“Wait - wait, Yeonjun, please-” Soobin attempted to reach for Yeonjun’s hand, but the blue-haired boy was quicker, pulling away the moment their hands grazed one another. “I tried - I wanted to tell you before, I just didn’t know how!”

“You didn’t know when either, it seemed,” Yeonjun said with a scowl before storming out of the room, Soobin trailing not that far behind. “You didn’t think to tell me when I confessed, which I’ve done multiple times, maybe when I first kissed you? Or on our first date - fuck, did you even considered it a date?”

“Of course I considered it a date, it - it just wasn’t the easiest thing for me to tell you, okay?” Soobin tried once more, this time finally grabbing Yeonjun’s hand and halting him in his place. “Yeonjun, please just listen to me because I really do feel something for you-”

“So you’re just gonna straight-up lie to me even more now?” Yeonjun spat as he jerked his hand away. “Soobin, you can’t feel fucking  _ shit _ , haven’t been able to for the last three fucking years, and I’m supposed to believe you feel the same thing I feel for you? Do you take me for a fucking fool, is that what it is?”

“But I do feel-”

“You do feel what? What do you feel, Soobin?”

  
  


There was a foreign look of rage on Yeonjun’s face. He wasn’t cartoonishly angry with redness in the face, wasn’t sad, and on the brink of tears. He was just straight-faced, which scared Soobin more, the younger backing up with every step Yeonjun took forward.

“You had hanahaki, got the surgery, so now what? What is there inside of you that would make you love me?” Yeonjun questioned, tone deadly slow as he had Soobin backed up to a wall. “All those times when you told me you loved me, you didn’t mean any of that, did you? You enjoyed it, flirting with me and not meaning a word you said, you liar.”

“Yeonjun, please for the love of God, just listen to me, I wasn’t lying to you when I said those words, I really wasn’t” Soobin himself was growing frustrated, the tears fogging up his sight being evidence. “I just know I feel something-”

“Then what the hell is it, Soobin? You keep saying you meant those words, that you feel something for me, so what is it?” Yeonjun shouted, his loud voice startling Soobin as it sounded out throughout the apartment. “Look me in the fucking eyes and tell me that you feel something! Tell me that you love me again, so you can just go ahead and lie to me again!”

Soobin opened his mouth to answer, to spew out everything Yeonjun made him feel in the past year, but the only thing that came out was a choked-out sob. Because he knew whatever he said wasn’t what Yeonjun wanted. He knew what he was feeling wasn’t love. It wasn’t enough.

“Yeonjun, please-”

“What other bullshit excuse do you have to say now?”

Soobin hated it. He wasn’t the one to cry, and he hated that one time that he was, it was because Yeonjun raised his voice at him. He hated how he wasn’t on the receiving end of crescent eyes and bright smiles, but rather eyes narrowed into a deep glare that made him want to hide in his room and cry himself to sleep.

  
  


“God, you know, maybe Beomgyu was right about being careful around you. Could’ve gotten myself killed fucking around with you,” Yeonjun scoffed as he turned his back and grabbed his keys off of the couch before heading towards the door. “And maybe you can keep lying to yourself that you feel anything.”

“Wait-”

“Can you stop grabbing onto me for one fucking second?”

Soobin was quick to let go, as Yeonjun’s voice had grown louder, scaring him.

“Please, Soobin, just leave me the fuck alone. I don’t have anything else to say to you,” Yeonjun begged. His tone was softer than before, but there was anger still lingering behind his words.

Soon enough, Soobin was left in his apartment alone, still standing in the same place when Yeonjun left the apartment.

  
  


He couldn’t process a thing that just happened, his head a fuzzy mess while his surroundings started to merge as the tears began to build up, his back sliding against the wall as he fell to the floor.

None of this was supposed to happen. Soobin even consulted Beomgyu, Yeonjun’s best friend, beforehand on how to tell the older. Beomgyu said the elder valued honesty over everything, and Soobin was honest. So he couldn’t understand what he did wrong. 

_ I told him. I told him about the hanahaki, and he didn’t take it well _ , Soobin wrote to Beomgyu before throwing his phone across the room. From how loudly it sounded when it hit the wall then the floor, he was sure that either he left a hole in his wall, his phone was cracked, or both.

But Soobin wasn’t worried about that, no, he was worried about calming himself down. He was worried about making sure his cries didn’t sound out loud enough to the point it would worry his neighbors.

Admittedly, it’s been a while since Soobin has really cried out of sadness, as he was never the one to be emotional. And some may consider it a good thing, that he could finally let go of all the emotions he’d been holding in, but he couldn’t find a single pro.

He was only left wondering how someone with bright blue hair could have such a hold on him that that thought of him not coming back had Soobin a sobbing, pathetic mess on his kitchen floor.


	2. Chapter 2

_**April 17** _

Three days passed by, and Yeonjun had seemingly disappeared out of Soobin’s life as if he was nothing but imaginary. He had no good night or morning texts to wake up to, had no surprise calls because Yeonjun just wanted to call, or coming over because he felt lonely.

Yeonjun didn’t pick him up for school, and when Soobin took the initiative and went to pick him the second day on the second day of ghosting, the older didn’t even come out of his apartment. He didn’t sit next to him during lectures anymore and was always the first one out the minute it ended. Soobin guessed it was to avoid him.

But Soobin just hated it. He hated that barely a week of communication would have him a crying mess in his bed every night before he went to bed.

But he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know that he was so addicted to the little things that going without them would leave him as a wreck. Choi Yeonjun just had that effect on him, and Soobin absolutely despised him for it.

  
  


On the fourth day, the group decided they wanted to hang out at Soobin’s place for the time being. And Soobin didn’t mind, he really didn’t since he loved spending time with them, he knew Yeonjun was going to tag along with Beomgyu, and he wasn’t sure if the older wanted to speak to him.

And he was right, Yeonjun not saying a word to him as he came into the apartment, even going as far as to not even spare him a glance. It just made the atmosphere between them heavier, and if Yeonjun was bothered by it, he didn’t look it, keeping up a poker face while Soobin struggled to not say anything to him.

Fortunately, Beomgyu and Kai didn’t notice, bickering over something trivial in the kitchen while Yeonjun stood with them, scrolling through his phone. Soobin pretended that he couldn’t feel his stare that would come his way every now and then.

As for Taehyun, of course, he started to catch on, Soobin noticing how his eyes would dart between him and Yeonjun, his brows furrowed in confusion as he attempted to figure out what happened. In the end, he gave up, rolling his eyes and leaning on Soobin’s arm with a sigh.

It was then he started to notice how Taehyun was unusually red, his face flushed bright, and his body overall was just burning up to the point Soobin could feel the heat on his skin through the fabric.

“Taehyun, are you okay?” he asked, concerned. “I can literally feel you burning up.” 

That elicited some stares, mostly from Beomgyu, Soobin noticing his smile had fallen into an expression of concern.

“I’m starting to think you need to go to the hospital,” Yeonjun said with his own concern as he looked up from his phone. “You’ve been sick for nearly a month now.”

Taehyun had said something, but Soobin couldn’t understand a single word he said, as had mumbled everything and was doused in drowsiness. He couldn’t ask what the younger had meant, as the younger had promptly fallen asleep.

_ “God, this dumbass and his hanahaki,” _ Soobin thought with a sigh as positioned the younger boy to where he was leaning on the armrest.  _ “I should’ve just taken him home.” _

It was then when Soobin looked up and he and Yeonjun made eye contact. But it was nothing to remember, nothing romantic, Yeonjun rolling his eyes at before looking back at his phone. And whether it be intentional or not, one simple action made Soobin’s already weak heart crumble into dust.

»——❀——«

“Hey, I’m about to take Kai and Taehyun home, you coming or-”

“Just go ahead, Soobin and I need to talk. I’ll catch an Uber coming home.”

Soobin nearly dropped his phone, as he really wasn’t paying attention to the conversation to begin with and only tuned back in at the mention of his name. He could only sit there and bid Kai and Beomgyu, who carried a sleeping Taehyun on his back, goodbye before looking to the floor.

And soon enough, it was just him and Yeonjun left in the apartment.

With his eyes still trained on the ground, Soobin could hear the blue-haired boy sit down on the loveseat nearby, a whiff of lavender floating by.

And yeah, Soobin did want to talk to Yeonjun, but right now? Right now when he had no plan in mind, no clear idea on what might happen during this talk? It only stressed Soobin out more, the boy beginning to fidget, fingers tapping against his thigh as his body trembled. 

  
  


“So are you not gonna look at me?” Yeonjun asked. His tone wasn’t as harsh as it was four days ago, but it still made Soobin flinch, as it was still void of emotion, which only stressed him out more.

“Right, yeah, sorry,” Soobin mumbled, his hands tucked in between his thighs as he looked up to Yeonjun. “But really, I don’t know what else there is to talk about. I told you everything then, I have nothing else to hide.”

It was weird to not be receiving looks of pure adoration and crescent eye smiles from Yeonjun, but a face with lips downturned into a frown, and eyes positioned into a soft glare.

“I figured you would say that, but I just don’t get it,” Yeonjun started. “Soobin, we’ve known each other for two years now, and you...you’ve known that I liked you since last year. Why didn’t you just tell me the first time I confessed to you? Or even the second time?”

“It’s not the simplest thing in the world to tell someone, paired with the fact I was worried about if you got mad at me - which really doesn’t matter anymore, obviously,” Soobin said, fully aware his voice was barely over a whisper. 

“Soobin-”

“Don’t say I’m overreacting because you did. You’ve been avoiding me for the last three days.”

Yeonjun didn’t say anything for a moment before letting out a small sigh and resting on the armrest of the couch. “Yeah, I can say that I was pretty upset, but I shouldn’t have ignored you for that long, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I...I just wanted to know what I was going to say to you before I saw you again.”

Yeonjun’s words were rather simple and shouldn’t have triggered such emotion out of Soobin, and yet, the pink-haired boy could feel his heart skip a beat, and the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes were starting to blur his vision as his breath hitched.

This was Yeonjun’s deal-breaker. He was going to leave him. For good this time.

  
  


“Well, that’s really reassuring, don’t you think?” Soobin joked lightly as he attempted to clean the fallen tears. “But what else could we possibly talk about? I can’t feel shit, we know that, but at the same time, I do feel something for you-”

“-It’s just not the type of love I’m used to.”

“See, you’re catching on quickly, so what else is there to talk about?”

“I don’t know. I had this all planned out in my head, but now that I’m actually talking to you, I’m just confused,” Yeonjun confessed as he took the seat next to Soobin. “Because I like you, and it's pretty obvious that I do, but I’m worried because of that. It’s also obvious that I haven’t fallen in love yet.”

Soobin paused at that, realizing he never really took that into account. “I know it’ll be hard to trust me on this, but you won’t get it, not on my watch,” he promised as he took Yeonjun’s hand into his own. “Because whatever you feel for me is there for me as well, you just have to trust me. I know that I shouldn’t have kept it from you, but believe me when I say that I wouldn’t lead you on for this long.”

Yeonjun was clearly hesitating, staring at Soobin’s face then at the ground. “I don’t know Soobin, I didn’t think I’d - we’d be put in this situation,” he whispered. “I want to trust you, I really do, but I’m worried and dunno what to think.”

  
  


Soobin could only let out a mirthless chuckle. “God - I can’t even be fucking mad at you for not being able to trust me,” he said, ignoring how his voice started cracking. “I’m sorry, I...I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to keep it a secret for so long, but with you confessing and then me starting to like you back, I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry-”

“Soobin, you don’t have to keep apologizing, it’s okay.”

“I just...I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to leave.”

“You - What, Soobin, I’m not gonna leave you,” Yeonjun told him before bringing Soobin close to his chest. “I know I’ve ignored you for nearly a week, and that was so fucking shitty of me, I’m sorry, but please believe me that I’m not planning on leaving you. Can you trust me on that?”

  
  


He wanted to say something, wanting to ask how he was so sure, but the only thing that came out of Soobin’s mouth was a choked-out sob before he was clutching onto Yeonjun’s shirt.

It felt nice to let everything out at once, but at the same time, Soobin felt so fucking pathetic. He was crying over someone that liked him, hell, might even love him, someone he cherished deeply, but was never going to be able to return those feelings no matter how hard he tried.

All of it just hurt. 


	3. Chapter 3

_**June 15**_

Walking into the office, he could only sigh as he took one of the seats in front of the woman. He’s grown familiar with the grey room, the only colors in the room coming from the dark blue chairs in front of the dark wooden desk, the curtains, and the large blue and brown rug placed in the middle of the room.

“You’re looking tired today,” the older woman, Ms. Song, noticed with a hum. “Is anything bothering you? Do you perhaps want an easier session for today?”

“Oh, no, don’t worry about me, I was working on homework until late, and ended up oversleeping, so I’m still a bit tired,” Soobin told her with a half-smile as he waved her off. “So I don’t mind doing one of our regular sessions.”

Soobin had been going to therapy every Monday and Friday before his classes for the last four or so weeks now in secret. He wouldn’t say that he was overly anxious, depressed, or anything of that sort, but Soobin knew that the constant feeling of regret and overthinking didn’t come out of just anywhere.

  
  


“Right. If you get overwhelmed at any point in time, you know to let me know, and we’ll change the subject,” Ms. Song told him. “So, about your relationship with Yeonjun, has anything changed between you two in the last two weeks? His mannerisms maybe? Perhaps even yourself?”

“He was a little stressed out, dealing with classes and upcoming summer break, nothing too worrisome,” Soobin said before taking a pause. “But as for me, I can say I’m still the same, worrying about him, and us as a whole. I think it got worse in the last few days or so.”

Ms.Song raised a brow. “Do you want to elaborate on that?”

Soobin breathed out a sigh. “A couple of days ago, we were taking a love language test together, just for fun,” he started. “And mines came out as acts of service, and he was words of affirmation. And I don’t know, I just feel guilty because-”

“Your use of saying “I love you” is rather scarce due to what happened in April, correct?” Ms. Song hummed. She already knew the answer to that question. “Did you feel guilty before taking the test, or is this a new worry that came about?”

“I think this was a worry already at the beginning, but the test just made it worse. It felt a confirmation that I should be feeling this way,” Soobin admitted in a low tone of voice. “Because for me, it’s not hard to show my love language, but with him, it’s been one of the main things we’ve been avoiding. What if he feels underappreciated, or maybe upset with me, but hasn’t said anything about it yet?”

“Have you tried using replacements for the phrase?” Ms. Song suggested. “Jumping straight into “I love you” wouldn’t help either of your cases.” She leaned on her desk, her arm that rested on the desk supporting her head. “But you seem to be worried about things besides that. Anything else in the relationship that’s making you feel this way?”

  
  


Soobin hesitated on answering that, a feeling of guilt washing over him. “That I’m just not doing enough, or that I’m enough in general,” he mumbled dejectedly. “And I’m scared about him getting hanahaki himself because he fell in love with someone who couldn’t, so I end up wishing that I never had my mines to begin with. Everything would’ve been so much easier if that had happened.”

“Have you ever talked to Yeonjun about this?”

“Talking with anyone about this, in general, is hard for me.”

Ms. Song stayed silent for a moment, looking over Soobin’s face before sighing. “You should talk about these issues with someone in your daily life more often. Holding all of this in isn’t healthy, and will burn you out both emotionally and mentally,” she said as she fixed her glasses. “But your hanahaki, has this always been bothering you to this extent?”

“Not until Yeonjun. I kind of accepted that I wasn’t going to be able to love anymore about a month after the surgery, so it’s starting to bother me after about two years,” Soobin said with a sigh. “I guess being in an actual relationship after not being in one after the surgery is starting to make me worry a lot.”

  
  


Ms. Song hummed in acknowledgment as she grabbed her laptop and began searching through it while Soobin could only sit there, fidgeting with his sleeves.

“So, Soobin, since your hanahaki seems to be the root for most of your problems, I’m going to show you something,” she started as she turned her computer around, showing Soobin an article.

Soobin was confused for a moment, not sure what it had to do with what he was talking about, but in big, bold letters, the title was: Procedure to Reverse Hanahaki Given the Green Light in South Korea and Japan.

“They do the testing at Seoul National, and I’m sure you qualify for it as well, since your surgery to get hanahaki removed at least two years ago,” Ms. Song continued with a half-smile. “Of course, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I couldn't sit on this information when I think it could help you. I can make your appointment with you if you’d like.”

Soobin’s throat honestly felt dry while it felt as if his tongue forgot how to speak, as he couldn’t find the right words he wanted to say as he stared down the article.

“Tha - Thank you for this, but can we talk about this more at the end of the session? Please?” Soobin asked, thankful Ms. Song didn’t push him further, as she turned her computer back to face herself.

“If that is what you prefer,” she hummed. “And glad to be of help.”

»——❀——«

“It’s been two days, and I swear I haven’t seen Taehyun get up once,” Beomgyu said into the phone with a sigh. “I’ll hear him get up to use the bathroom, but other than that, he doesn’t budge. I’m starting to think I’m sleeping with a corpse.”

“Well, his hanahaki did last two months, and he lost a lot of sleep, so it’s just his body regaining lost energy,” Soobin hummed as he looked back to his computer. “He’ll probably wake up sometime tonight, or maybe tomorrow morning.” 

If Soobin had to be completely honest, he was barely paying attention to what Beomgyu was saying. He was more focused on looking through tweets and Naver articles about the surgery, something he had been doing the moment he had gotten home, which was nearly three hours ago.

That, and he at least wanted to make sure that this wasn’t some elaborate scam or some shady business he was about to partake in, as his own appointment was tomorrow afternoon.

  
  


“Soobin!”

“Huh?”

“This is like, the third time you’ve spaced out on me, which is pretty rude, you know,” Beomgyu huffed out. “But are you feeling alright, or is it something else bothering you?”

“Um, well, I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow after classes,” Soobin started, hesitating a bit with his words. “And it’s about my past hanahaki. There’s a surgery to get your ability to love back, and since I qualify for testing, I’m gonna see if I can actually get it done.” 

“Wait, seriously? Soobin, that’s good!” Beomgyu exclaimed, his loud voice sounding throughout the room. “Why don’t you sound more excited, you dumbass? You can love again, isn’t this what you wanted? Have you even told Yeonjun yet?”

“I mean, of course, I want it back, but there’s just too much shit I’m worried about. It’s been nearly three years, and I don’t even remember what it’s like to love,” Soobin admitted with a sigh. “And of course I haven’t told him yet because I don’t even know if I’m going through with it-”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Of course, you’re going, the fuck?” Beomgyu interrupted, Soobin practically sensing the glare coming through the phone. “As your friend, I’m not letting you mess up this chance because your anxiety-ridden ass couldn’t be bothered to go.”

“You’re saying that as if I’m actively avoiding it when in reality, I just found out about this literally this afternoon,” Soobin argued with a groan as he ran a hand through his hair. “And I’ll just tell Yeonjun tomorrow when I get back home. Does that make you happy, dumbass?”

“At no point in time was it necessary to insult me,” Beomgyu pouted. “And yes because we’ve seen how Yeonjun acted the last time you hid something from him. He doesn’t need any more trust issues from your secrets. But I have to go, I have two more orders to do for the shop, and they’re gonna take me years if I do them.”

“Oh wow, you’re husband material? Didn’t expect any of that from you.”

“Fuck right off, you asshole.”

  
  


Beomgyu hung up after that, bidding goodnight to Soobin, who groaned out the moment he was sure the call had actually ended.

At the sound of his groaning, though, Sean, his brown pomeranian Yeonjun got for him, came running from wherever he was, and jumped onto the couch and stared at him expectantly, his tail wagging and head tilted.

“You’re a nosy little brat, aren’t you?” Soobin asked with a sigh.

He really didn’t know what he was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i've written the first three chapters! for those who don't know, i update on Saturdays and Sundays and sometimes double update^^


	4. Chapter 4

**_June 15_**

_“Apparently, it’s real. The surgery has been going on for months in America.”_

_“My cousin that stays in Japan says it’s real! She’s getting her hanahaki reversed soon as well.”_

_“I’m a little doubtful of this, but it seems like it’s been doing well in Australia as well.”_

It was late, nearing midnight more than likely, and Soobin had yet to fall asleep. He had been up for the last two hours scrolling through Twitter and Naver, in an attempt to retain as much information as his sleep-deprived brain could.

Soobin started to think, wondering what it was like to feel something he’s forgotten in three years, but of course, there was nothing for him to remember. It was all just a blur in his head.

  
  


Sitting up in his bed, Soobin looked around to see his red diary sitting on his vanity dresser. The front part had been covered in dust, as he hadn’t touched it in over a year or so. 

_“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to do a little reminiscing,”_ he thought, as he got up from the bed, grabbing the notebook.

Soobin knew the journal entries weren’t going to be sunshine and rainbows, remembering that he started writing during his last stage of hanahaki. That didn’t make him any less horrified when he noticed the little spots on the pages weren’t some drink he had spilled but were rather spots of dried blood.

  
  


_November 28, 2017_

_It hurts. I don’t know how much longer I can do this anymore. Thinking about her hurts me, I can’t call out to her without wanting to pass out from nausea. And I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let go of her like how she let go of me._

_But at the same time, I can’t hate her. I can’t block her number, refuse to see her whenever she comes over to check up on me or yell at her whenever she tries to apologize for everything. Because I just can’t fucking hate her-_

_I threw up again. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom but on myself. The thorns hurt too. They cut my throat so much to the point I wish it’d just kill me. And the flowers, I hate them. White roses, like the hanahaki wasn’t enough._

_First time in a relationship and this is what I get. Fuck me, huh?_

  
  


Soobin nearly fell to the ground from the wave of nausea, the boy leaning against his nightstand for support when he attempted to stand. His throat felt as if it was going to close up any second now. He felt dizzy, everything around him suddenly spinning while white noise overwhelmed his hearing.

He wasn’t sure why he expected to remember all of the good things from being in love when the three months he was in love was filled with nothing but pain, and the constant feeling as if he was on the verge of death.

»——❀——«

_**June 16** _

Yeonjun didn’t want to say anything at first, but ever since he picked Soobin up for their college that morning, he couldn’t help but notice how Soobin was acting a bit off. He was quieter than usual and dozed off during class, something he hardly ever does.

It was early in the afternoon now, and they were at Taehyun’s place in the apartment part of the building to hang out with their Beomgyu and Kai, while Taehyun was knocked out in his bed. That, and to skip their biology lecture, and probably the lecture after that, too, if Soobin lets them. 

_  
  
_

“Hey, are you feeling alright? You’re looking a bit pale,” he whispered in Soobin’s ear when Beomgyu focused his attention on the youngest, Kai. “I wanted to ask earlier, but I wasn’t sure.”

Yeonjun realized Soobin was, once again, drifting into daydreams, as he jumped when he heard Yeonjun.

“Yeah, um, I just slept really late last night, and just a little stressed from thinking about some things,” he mumbled back. “I’ll be fine, though, it’s not that much to be stressing over anyways.”

Yeonjun was not all that convinced by Soobin’s explanation, frowning. “But are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, fingers tapping against Soobin’s bicep. “Because I can take you home if you’re feeling sick, and we can rest there if you want.”

Soobin scowled before pushing Yeonjun’s hand off of him. “You’re trying to avoid going to your next lecture, aren’t you?”

“Oh, come on, can you blame me? Like, why am I learning about boring fucking history when I’m a fashion major?” the older scoffed, already irritated at the thought of going to class. “But seriously, if you aren’t feeling well-”

“Yeonjun, baby, really, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Easier said than done. You stress me out sometimes, you know.”

_  
  
_

“I appreciate the concern, Junnie, but I’m fine, just having an off morning is all,” Soobin said before sighing as he looked to Beomgyu, who was heading out the door, Kai following him. “That, and Beomgyu’s taking me to an appointment-”

“You have a what? It’s nothing I don’t have to be worried about, right?” Yeonjun interrupted, already a bit more anxious than before. “Soobin, I swear to God if this is another disease you didn’t tell me about I will not hesitate to beat your ass.”

“I would’ve told you if I had another, dumbass,” Soobin said, flicking Yeonjun’s forehead and beginning to follow the younger two. “I’ll explain it to you when I get back, so don’t worry about it, okay? I’m staying at your place by the way!”

“You better bring back food with you then!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know!”

»——❀——«

Sure, might’ve Soobin told him not to worry, but when has Yeonjun listened to rules like that? Besides, who was he to pretend that he wasn’t worried as to what Soobin’s sudden appointment was about, and why he couldn’t know upfront?

And with the younger boy not there to force him to pay attention in class instead of texting him, Yeonjun’s imagination began to wander. Even when he left class and headed home, he was still thinking as he scrolled through his phone. 

And most of those thoughts wandered to hanahaki.

Yeonjun had to watch those two from afar, Taehyun and Beomgyu, for two months, and how they navigated Taehyun’s hanahaki, which had one dangerous close call and a lot of crying. He wasn’t sure if he was emotionally or mentally prepared to be handling all of that if Soobin went through the same thing.

_  
  
_

“Yeonjun, are you awake?”

Startled out of his thoughts, Yeonjun looked up from his spot on the couch to see Soobin walking into the place, his hands full with two cups and a bag while another bag of his clothes hung off of his arm, as he shut the door with his foot.

“Oh, you are. Actually, can you come help me? My hands are kinda full at the moment,” the taller said, a lopsided grin appearing on his lips. “I brought mochi and boba for us by the way. Strawberry boba for me, and peach for you.”

“When I say get food, I meant get actual food, not snacks, but I guess that'll work for now,” Yeonjun sighed out before pushing himself off the couch to help the other, grabbing the bag of mochi. “But your appointment, what was it about?”

_  
  
_

Soobin visibly stiffened. “Uh, well, I’m not all too sure on how to say it without it sounding all made up,” he admitted with a sigh. “But it’s about my hanahaki, and there’s a surgery to love again. And so I went to get tested to see if I can.”

Yeonjun stared at Soobin in disbelief before scoffing loudly. “Yeah, you’re right, it definitely sounds fake,” he said as he sat the bag on the counter, rolling his eyes. “The chances are, what, losing your feelings for that one person alone, and losing the ability to love in general, and you’re telling it can be fixed with a simple surgery?”

“Weird, I know, but it’s really true. But I’m still a bit nervous since I don’t know what it’ll feel like to love again.”

“Then why are you getting it if you’re unsure? Don’t tell me you’re getting it just because you had hanahaki before.”

“Actually, I’m getting the surgery for the both of us, since we’re in a relationship and all, but I’m doing it mainly for you,” Soobin clarified, Yeonjun feeling his heart physically drop.

“Fucking - Soobin, fucking hell, that doesn’t make it better,” Yeonjun hissed as he swatted Soobin’s arm, the younger reeling back in surprise. “If you don’t want to do it, then don’t. Don’t just get it because of me.”

“Yeonjun, have you ever considered the fact that one of us hasn't fallen in love? That you getting hanahaki is a lot more possible than we think?” Soobin asked with a frown. “We talked about it back in April, but now, I’m worried. And I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself if you do end up getting hanahaki.”

  
  


The azurette found himself not being able to respond to that, the words falling from his tongue. He hadn’t thought much about that since April, and it was brought up in the heat of the moment as they argued, but with the chance presented in front of him, he could feel the worries creeping up his throat.

“Do you remember when you tried to tell me you loved me, but I told you to shut up?” he ended up asking, rolling his eyes at the not-so-distant memory. “I want to hear it when you feel something for me, big or small. And if that means risking getting hanahaki, I think I’ll be alright.”

“Well, let’s start small then,” Soobin smiled as he held Yeonjun’s right hand up, the promise ring on his finger glistening from the sunlight. “Just look at the promise ring, and it’ll be equal to every day I did and didn’t tell you. Even saying it now won’t be enough to show how much I care for you.”


	5. Chapter 5

_**June 21**_

Soobin ended up having another appointment nearly a week later after classes, and despite him trying to persuade him otherwise, Yeonjun had decided to accompany the other since he was already stuck with him to begin with, as he had gone home with the younger after their shared lecture.

That, and to just “make sure you aren’t getting scammed or anything.”

But now, when he was actually sitting in the office with Soobin sitting on the bed, answering the questions the doctor threw at him, he wasn’t so sure if he wanted to be there.

  
  


“Stage you got your hanahaki removed?”

“Around the middle of stage three.”

Yeonjun had no idea what the stages meant, trying to recall months ago when Beomgyu started rambling on and on about Taehyun’s condition, remembering the younger brought up something about “stages” at one point.

“And your hanahaki flower?”

“White roses.”

Yeonjun didn’t know that. And for some reason, a feeling that made him nauseous in the stomach started to form. He didn’t like it, that he was getting upset at something so trivial when he knew Soobin didn’t have to tell him everything. 

  
  


“Okay then, moving on, last visit you mentioned you were in an established relationship, correct?” the doctor asked Soobin before glancing over to Yeonjun. “Choi Yeonjun, right? You must be the boyfriend. Husband?”

Yeonjun could only nod, all of a sudden feeling a bit nervous from the attention. And with the implication that he was actually married to Soobin, he knew he wasn’t going to say anything coherent.

“He’s the boyfriend,” Soobin clarified with a small smile. “We’ve been together for a couple of weeks, but we’ve known each other for longer. Nearly two years now.”

“A few weeks and no signs of hanahaki?” the doctor asked Yeonjun as she set aside her glasses to stare at him. “No nausea, heartaches, lack of sleep, anything like that?”

Yeonjun shook his head. “Everything’s been fine for me on my end.”

“And you are aware of Soobin’s past hanahaki?” she asked, Yeonjun nodding his head once more, to which the doctor let out a sigh. “Rather strange, but at the same time not rare. We’ve had some cases where people who had hanahaki were in relationships without the other catching it, but as I said before, it’s not unusual.”

“So does that mean neither of us is in love?” Yeonjun asked. “Or did something just cancel out with him?”

“When it comes to cases like this, it’s advised that we don’t give our input, so I can’t answer that,” the woman explained to him with a half-smile. “But we do leave it up to the participants to decide on that.”

Yeonjun quickly looked to Soobin, hoping that there was going to be some sort of answer on his face, only to end up rolling his eyes as he felt a grin of his own begin to grow on his lips. Because of course, Soobin was fidgeting with his promise ring, knowing that alone was enough to be his answer.

»——❀——«

“His husband?” Beomgyu repeated, struggling to hold back a laugh while a red-faced Yeonjun glared at him. “Well, I can’t blame her for saying that because yesterday, it looked like he was going to go on a full-on rant about how much he loved you when we went with him.”

The two of them had, unsurprisingly, headed to Taehyun’s flower shop right after. Kai was already upstairs, using a broken flower to play with Amber. Soobin, unsurprisingly, ended up abandoning Yeonjun for the younger two, quickly heading up the stairs the minute Beomgyu said Taehyun was awake, leaving the other two downstairs by themselves.

  
  


“Still didn’t make me any less nervous,” Yeonjun mumbled beneath his breath as stared at his ring. “God, and we don’t even know if we even really love each other because of Soobin’s hanahaki and-” 

“Stupid, everyone knows you two are disgustingly in love, have been for the longest time at this point, so don’t even finish that statement,” Beomgyu interrupted with a harsh glare. “And it’s probably a guess or something, or you two got lucky. Nothing to be so worried about.”

“Easier said than done because now I’m in a relationship, and I don’t know if I actually love him or not because I didn’t get fucking hanahaki, which is just fucking stupid,” Yeonjun grumbled as he rested his head on the counter.

“Or, here’s a wild suggestion, for once you got the good option,” Beomgyu said as he moved from Yeonjun’s side. “Of course you’re gonna think this entire situation is stupid when you spend more time analyzing all of the bad things that should’ve happened.”

“The lady literally said it was up for us to decide if we loved each other or not-”

“Okay? So do you love him, or do you not?”

Looking up, Yeonjun opened his mouth to answer but quickly closed it. He hated that he hesitated to answer because while he and his heart did know the answer, his brain and logic were saying otherwise, pointing out every possibility and flaw in his relationship and himself. 

And as irritating as it was, Yeonjun knew that his brain wasn’t just pulling those worries out of thin air.

  
  


“Yeonjun,” Beomgyu started with a glare. “Yeonjun, I swear to God-”

“Look, I don’t know anymore. I want to say yes because fuck, can you blame me? But at the same time, I just feel like something’s missing,” Yeonjun confessed, rubbing the temples of his head. “Because on one hand, I feel like fucking shit for even considering I don’t love him, but on the other, I feel like I’m just trying to convince myself of lies.”

“Maybe you should, I don’t know, talk to him about that?” Beomgyu said with a scoff. “But maybe the surgery is what you guys needed, or just practice basic communication and some couples’ therapy.”

“That’s rich coming from you, like you didn’t break down in a garden all because Taehyun asked if you were okay or not.”

“At no point in time was that necessary for you to bring up-”

»——❀——«

It was toward the end of the day, way past the time the sun sat really, as the group had gotten too into each other’s company to notice how much time had passed by. Yeonjun, who was planning on taking Soobin and Beomgyu home, despite a pouty Taehyun’s protests, was approached by Kai, tugging on his sleeve, his head hung low while his phone hung at his side.

“Yeonjun, can I stay with you for the night?” he mumbled, his voice barely over a whisper, the younger clearly about to shut down sooner or later. “We argued again, something about how I didn’t tell her or anyone else I was coming here. Even though she didn’t tell me not to come home this time, I don’t want to go back there. She’s just going to yell at me the minute I step into the house.”

Right, Kai’s mom. Yeonjun had nearly forgotten about her and her tendency to kick out her only son whenever they argue, no matter how small or trivial. She always remembered to remind Yeonjun how much of a shitty human being she was whenever he was close to forgetting about her existence.

  
  


Soobin, who was standing only a few feet away, meaning he could hear just about everything, threw a look of concern towards Yeonjun, who could only shrug in response. 

“Beomgyu’s going home with Yeonjun tonight, so if it helps, you can stay with me for the night,” Soobin suggested. “I don’t have a separate bed or anything, but I’m pretty sure my couch is more comfortable than the other two’s.”

“What? So you’re just going to diss my couch like that as if we, especially you, haven’t taken multiple naps on it?” Yeonjun questioned, feeling slightly offended, Soobin sticking his tongue out at him.

Kai just rolled his eyes. “Look, anything's fine than going back to that place.”

“I mean, on the bright side, you’re gonna end up moving into Yeonjun’s free place whenever he moves in with me, and when Beomgyu moves in with Taehyun,” the pink-haired boy said with a smile. “That way, you won’t have to deal with her anymore.”

“Now wait a minute, who said I was moving in with you, and not the other way around?” Yeonjun questioned, earning a clueless stare from Soobin. “My place can be just as nice for the two of us to live, you know. You got the money to help renovate anyways.”

“Well, I know, but I assumed that you were coming with me. Didn’t think you would like that tiny place.”

“Did you - It’s not even that tiny, it’s just really comfy!”

  
“If I have to hear you two bicker all the way home, I am jumping out of the car onto the freeway without hesitation,” Beomgyu threatened as he finally managed to pry off Taehyun from his side before heading out the door after pressing a kiss on the top of his head. “Now hurry the fuck up, it’s about to rain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i just wanted to let you all know that my twt is @ASTROK00, and my dms are opened if you have any questions^^
> 
> also, i do plan to double update so expect a new chapter in an hour or so


	6. Chapter 6

_**June 21** _

With a quick goodbye and leaving a peck on Yeonjun’s cheek, Soobin climbed out of the car and scurried into the apartment building, Kai trailing right behind him, both of them using their hands to protect themselves from the rain.

Ensuring the two were safely inside, Yeonjun headed back home while Beomgyu leaned against the window and sighed.

“I’m really starting to worry more about Kai now,” he said with a frown as he looked over to Yeonjun. “He’s been arguing with his mom more often lately. Like, it was already concerning before, but now I’m just starting to think she just doesn’t want him home anymore.”

“She kicked him out for not telling her he went somewhere, and I’m pretty sure she’s kicked him out for less as well,” Yeonjun mumbled. “All we can do right now is give him a place to stay before he decides to go back home.”

“But he’s been staying everywhere else except his own house for the last two months, Jun. He was staying on Taehyun’s couch just last week,” Beomgyu pointed out. “And I know Soobin was joking, but maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to give the apartment to Kai.”

_  
  
_

Yeonjun hesitated to say anything after that for a moment before looking over to Beomgyu. “So, you’ve actually thought about moving in with Taehyun?”

“Yeah, but it’s just a thought for now. We both know that I stay with Taehyun more than staying at the apartment, and you’re just everywhere,” the brunette reasoned before looking back out the window. “We don’t have to move now of course, but it’s something we can consider.”

“You know, if you do want to move in with Taehyun, you can,” Yeonjun told him as he looked back to the road. “If you’re worried about how I’d feel, I’ll be fine. I can just room with Kai for a while, and then move in with Soobin or something.”

“I know, but it’s just too early for us. You and Soobin have been flirting for over a year now, and Taehyun and I aren’t even a month old, and we’re not even official,” Beomgyu sighed. “Maybe when we get to your point, I’ll do it. Maybe.”

“Eh, don’t wait too long now,” Yeonjun added. “Taehyun’s very clingy, and you wouldn’t want to see him sad, right?”

“Are you trying to kick me out of my own home?”

“If it means a moment of peace, yes.”

“You say that now, but when I actually move out, you’re gonna be begging and crying for me to come back,” Beomgyu hissed as he slapped Yeonjun’s arm. “I bet you just want me out to have some alone time with Soobin-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Yeonjun interrupted with a glare. “And yeah, maybe I do because maybe I don’t wanna be walked in on by some stupid idiot again.”

“Who told you to make out with him on the fucking couch then?”

“Do you not have the common sense to knock on the fucking door?”

_  
  
_

The two of them fell into a comfortable silence from there, Beomgyu becoming more interested in his phone - probably texting Taehyun or something - while Yeonjun fought the urge to text his own boyfriend as the music from the radio filled up the empty space between them.

“Hey, Yeonjun.”

“What now?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Yeonjun could see Beomgyu pulling a face as he glared at him before scoffing loudly.

“This is an important question, I’ll have you know,” Beomgyu hissed. “But I wanna know; do you think your relationship with Soobin is gonna change after the surgery?”

“Beomgyu, I’m not sure if you’re aware after your previous questions or not, but I have no clue on what to think about this whole surgery thing,” Yeonjun mumbled. “And I don’t know, more than likely? I mean, he’s acting on what he thinks is love, so it would make sense, no?”

“Wah, imagine if Soobin becomes the clingy one instead of you,” Beomgyu breathed out, Soobin able to sense the other smiling. “He’s like a big puppy anyways.”

“Nope, that’s my role, and it doesn’t fit Soobin, at least the Soobin I know,” Yeonjun mumbled. “Acts of service is his love language, or something similar to that. He likes doing a lot of things for me, like helping me with homework, doing random things around the apartment, and stuff like that.”

“You see, now I don’t get it. Hell, I’m even more confused,” Beomgyu huffed. “You seem to know how he loves - well, how he shows affection towards you, so what are you worried about? It’s my job to be the one who excessively worries over everything, you asshole.”

Yeonjun couldn’t say anything to that, focusing more on the road than Beomgyu. Because he really doesn’t know what he’s worried about himself, and it’s frustrating.

»——❀——«

_“We’re about the same size, so this should fit him,”_ Soobin thought as he pulled a pair of sweatpants and an oversized tee out of the drawer for Kai to wear to bed. _“Surely he hasn’t grown much lately or anything.”_

Hearing whines not so far away, Soobin looked up to see Sean pawing at the door and turning in circles. He looked up at Soobin before continuing the entire routine again, the scratching increasingly becoming more frantic.

“God, Kai isn’t going anywhere, at least give me a second to get his things,” Soobin grunted out before stepping over the small pomeranian and opening the door. Sean was out of the room the minute there was a big enough crack in the door, the sounds of his nails clicking against the wooden floors as he ran down the hallway.

_“Little fucking rat,”_ the pink-haired boy thought as he followed Sean down the hall and to the living room.

_  
  
_

There, Kai sat on the couch, not moving a mussel. He was just staring off into space, not even snapping out of it when the pomeranian began nipping at his fingers, clearly wanting the attention on him so they could play.

“Hey, you need to go and change,” Soobin said softly as he nudged Kai, pulling him back to reality, before plopping the clothes into his lap. “The clothes should fit since we’re the same size, but if they don’t I’ll just find something else.”

It was clear Kai didn’t hear a thing he said, or he just looked that dazed. He looked tired, and knowing Kai didn’t sleep in the car, Soobin couldn’t help but worry.

“Kai-”

“I’m awake. Just...Just give me a second.”

Soobin knew it wouldn’t be any use to try and get Kai to move, the other clearly out of it and slipping back into deep thoughts, so he just placed the clothes on the couch near him before heading back to his room.

“He’s doing it again, the shutting down thing,” Soobin said into the phone with a sigh. “I don’t know what to do because it’s like he’s barely paying attention to whatever I’m saying.”

“Give him some time, Binnie. It’s probably a coping mechanism for him or something,” Yeonjun said from the other side of the phone with a yawn. “So don’t stress yourself thinking about it, he’ll snap out of it eventually. And take your ass to bed, we have classes in the morning, and it’s getting late.”

“It’s only ten right now, but yeah, yeah, I will. Good night, Junnie.”

“Good night and...I really care for you, Soobin. I really do.”

Soobin couldn’t even say anything to that, as Yeonjun hung up the minute after he finished speaking.

It left a weird feeling in Soobin’s stomach and chest. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, as it left him all fuzzy and warm inside. And sure, it wasn’t the three words Soobin so desperately wanted to hear, but after nearly two months without hearing them, anything was good enough in his book.

_  
  
_

Placing his phone on the bed, Soobin grabbed his pajamas to get changed, but his eyes landed on the red diary that lied on the nightstand. Memories from only two nights ago ran through his head, the sudden overwhelming feeling of nausea and the urge to faint leaving a rather prominent impression on his mind. 

But against his better judgment, he tossed his clothes aside and grabbed the notebook, flipping to one of the last entries of his hanahaki. He was a curious person, after all, so he just couldn’t help it.

_  
  
_

_December 9, 2017_

_So, my surgery was officially scheduled for December 28, so I guess happy belated birthday to me._

_And to be honest, I’m really scared. And I hate it because I’m so scared of losing something that should be normal. And I know there’s a chance of only getting your feelings for the one person you loved, but compared to losing everything, it’s less likely to happen._

_My parents have been so supportive of me and getting surgery since the very beginning, and some of my close friends as well-_

Soobin’s breath hitched at that, a lump forming in his throat at the mention of his former friends back in Ansan, and his parents. His parents specifically. He never realized how much he missed them, especially his parents.

_-they stopped bringing up her name around me, don’t even ask me about her anymore. I found it unnecessary at first, but my heart is hurting less so I guess it’s helping._

_It’s 4 AM as I’m writing this, so I’ll just end it here. Thinking too much about the surgery is giving me a headache and I already threw up for the night, so I’m tired anyways. I hope you won’t hate me forever for doing this, future Soobin._

_  
  
_

“Soobin?”

Through his bleary sight, Soobin looked up to see Kai standing in the door frame, Sean, panting heavily in his arms as the younger held him.

“Hey, are you okay? I heard sniffling from the living room, so I came to check on you,” Kai explained as he took the seat next to Soobin, Sean jumping out of his arms and onto the bed, snuggling deep beneath the covers of Soobin’s bed. “Are you reading a sad story or something?”

“Eh, you could call it that, but no, it’s my diary from a while ago. I don’t use it anymore, so I just went to read through old entries,” Soobin explained as he wiped his face before he handed the book over to Kai. “Most of it seems to be when I had hanahaki, so I would kind of get an idea of what love feels like again.”

“Did you forget how to love or something? It’s love, how do you forget-”

“Well, I haven’t felt anything like it in nearly three years, so it would be expected.”

Kai furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before flipping through the pages, his eyes skimming over the words. “This is probably the worst guide for someone like you,” he muttered beneath his breath. “You seemed to be in pain almost every time you wrote.”

“Yeah, well, I needed to vent somewhere, and the notebook was one thing I had,” Soobin said as he directed his attention to his phone that started buzzing. He didn’t think much about it at first, thinking Yeonjun was sending him more good night texts, so you could say he was confused to receive an email from Seoul National Hospital.

  
  


Clicking the notification, Soobin lazily began reading through the email, his eyes only picking up the words he deemed important. It took a few seconds for it to register, but after reading through the email a second time, that time more thoroughly, all-time for Soobin seemed to have stopped.

“Kai,” he called out as he started tapping on the other’s thighs to gain his attention. “Kai, the hospital emailed me.”

“For what? Do you need to go up there or something?”

“No, I passed. I passed the check-ups. They think I can get the surgery.”

“Well, why the fuck didn’t you say that?” Kai hissed as he threw the notebook to the ground, his loud voice startling Sean, who barked in surprise. “Soobin, why don’t you sound more excited? You’re closer to getting the ability to love again!”

And he was right. Soobin just couldn’t believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sigh ive realized this is moving sort of slow so ill work on that next chapter^^


	7. Chapter 7

_**June 22** _

Soobin was starting to become irritated with the knocking at the door, unsure of who it could be, and why they were at his place at nine in the morning. He knew it wasn’t Yeonjun, as the older normally called before he came by, and Beomgyu and Taehyun were hardly up at this time.

And as he watched Kai open the door from the couch, he realized he was right, as it was none of those three, but he still didn’t know the person standing on the other side, who held a bright blue bookbag that hung at his side. 

They were shorter than him, but he was definitely older, his tanned face having less baby fat than both Kai and Soobin’s, and was a bit broader.

But for Kai, it was clear that this wasn’t a stranger to him, as his posture didn’t tense up at all.

“Well, didn’t expect you to find me so quickly, you weirdo,” Kai hummed. “Did mom send you to pick me or something?”

“First of all, you know we can track each other’s location, and second, the woman kicked me out, too. Didn’t even bother to give me a reason this time, so I’m staying with Joon for the week,” the older boy said with a roll of his eyes as he handed Kai the bag. “This is clothes for the night you’re staying with…”

“Choi Soobin. I’m a close friend of Kai’s,” Soobin added when he and the other made eye contact. “And you are?”

“Jung Hoseok, Kai’s older stepbrother,” Hoseok said with a half-smile before turning back to Kai. “But as for your mom, give her three days to calm down before going back. But you think you’re gonna be fine here? You know Namjoon has an extra room if you ever change your mind.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you never fail to remind me, as if I wanna be surrounded by you two,” Kai huffed out before rolling his eyes. “And you know me, I’ll be fine. I trust Soobin enough to stay here, so don’t worry about me.”

  
  


“Uh, Kai, not to interrupt you two or anything, but do you think you can get Hoseok to drop you off at Taehyun’s place so you’ll have a ride to get to class?” Soobin asked as he grabbed his phone off of the couch and stood up. “I’m running kinda late for an appointment, and I don’t wanna just leave you.”

“What appointment? I thought the hospital didn’t need you?”

“Different appointment for a different issue.”

Kai stared at the other, eyes narrowing into a glare. “You’re hiding secrets again,” he frowned. “What is it now? A double life? A secret agent?”

“Yeah, I’m a secret agent where I decided to spend my years as a law major, and do nothing but take care of you all for free as my downtime when I’m not doing missions,” Soobin retorted, deadpanning as he took Kai’s bag and tossed it on the couch. “But seriously, I’m like, ten minutes late, and I was late the last time, so hurry up.”

“Stop nagging him for answers, you brat,” Hoseok snapped as he firmly slapped the back of Kai’s head, who could only glower as he was pulled out of the apartment by the older.

Even when shutting the door and they were, assumed to be, down the hall, Soobin could hear them bickering loudly, earning a snort from him.

»——❀——«

“You’re thirty minutes late, so we’ll have a bit of a short session this time, but you seem to be in a good mood for once,” Ms. Song pointed out as Soobin took a seat. “Something good happened last we spoke?”

“Yeah, sorry about that, a friend is staying with me for a bit, family issues,” Soobin explained with a sigh. “But I suppose you can say that. One, I got approval for the formal testing, and two, Yeonjun and I are slowly getting, well, I don’t wanna say better, but it’s something of the sort.”

“For starters, congratulations on passing the testing, but what do you mean by that?” the therapist pressed on. “Moreover, how does he feel about the surgery?”

“Well, we’re starting to say I love you, but not the exact words if that makes sense. We’re just taking it slow,” Soobin hummed. “But for the surgery, he was a little unsure about it, but I guess that’s expected and-” he cut himself off, a feeling of sadness starting to form when he started to think back to yesterday. 

“Soobin?”

“I think the whole surgery thing is starting to make him think about some things,” Soobin continued with a sigh. “Yeonjun has always been like that, overthinking things. He’s worse than me, to be honest.”

“So would you say Yeonjun is displeased with the surgery?” Ms. Song asked. “Is he starting to second guess himself on whether or not he thinks the surgery is a good idea?”

“You see, we went to my last appointment together, and they mentioned something about how it isn’t uncommon for those in a relationship with someone who had hanahaki before doesn’t get hanahaki themselves,” he mumbled. “And they said it’s up to the couple to decide if they love each other, and Yeonjun can’t control his expressions, I noticed how he looked a little worried about it.”

  
  


Ms. Song herself looked a little concerned herself, but it was quickly covered up with a blank expression. “So would you say he’s rethinking his decision over the surgery, or the relationship itself?” she asked.

Soobin let out a mix of a sigh and an effortless chuckle. “I wish I knew, but I hope it’s just the surgery he’s worried about,” he confessed.

He didn’t like any of this if he was to be honest. All of this just felt like deja vu, the feeling that he was the only one convinced that his relationship was fine when the other felt as if their relationship was hanging on by a limb.

“Hmm, well, Soobin, how do you feel about this whole surgery?” Ms. Song moved on, writing something on her notepad. “Do you think you want to reconsider the surgery, or do you want to go through with it still?”

“I guess you can say I’m a little nervous, but not for the same reasons as Yeonjun,” Soobin muttered beneath his breath. “I have this journal from nearly two years ago, and I wrote in it when I was dealing with my hanahaki. And since I kinda forgot what love is like, I decided to read it over to get an idea what it was like.”

“I’m assuming that you got what you didn’t ask for?”

“Basically. I started feeling nauseous and dizzy after reading it.”

“Which is completely normal,” Ms. Song said with a reassuring smile. “It’s not uncommon to feel pain from a traumatic event if you’re placed in a situation when you’re trying to remember what you felt at the time.”

Soobin grimaced as his nose scrunched up. “I...never really thought of it as trauma,” he confessed. “Just saw it as an event that happened and is in the past now.”

“Trauma isn’t always these big events, like a car accident or something similar to that, but they can be small as well,” Ms. Song further explained. “But, in your case, it is important to know how you would deal with trauma and unpleasant emotions, and how you would let it affect your views about what you think is best.” 

»——❀——«

Well, Soobin was later than he originally planned, as he watched how the students from his science hall came through the doors. He cursed Ms. Song for that, making him a lot more emotional than he wanted to, as spent an extra ten minutes crying his eyes out, trying to think if his past was really just trauma he never bothered to pay much attention to.

He stood to the side, searching through the crowd for a certain azurette. It took him a moment to come out, his eyes glued to his phone with his lips formed a pout. When he looked up, though, it was nothing like a romantic movie, the blue-haired boy glaring as he stomped over to Soobin.

  
  


“You fucking dick, you really let me spend boring ass biology by myself,” Yeonjun said with a hiss as he huffed out. “The hell were you anyways? I know you don’t want me picking you up on Mondays and Fridays, but when I tried calling you to ask you where you were, you didn’t answer.”

Soobin swore under his breath as he took out his phone to see the five missing calls from Yeonjun on screen, completely forgetting that he had turned his phone on silent mode during his session.

“Honestly, I was just late to everywhere I had to be, and I had turned my phone off, so I’m sorry,” he apologized as he grabbed the younger’s hand and led him to his next class.

Yeonjun stared him down, his eyes narrowing into a glare.

“Soobin, be honest with me. You’re not cheating on me, right? Because if you are-”

“I - What? No, of course not, I just had somewhere to be-”

“Relax, relax, I know you’re too good to do that,” Yeonjun smiled, probably relishing in the way Soobin sputtered in response. “Besides, I know you like me too much to do that also.”

“Would you say you like me the same, though?” Soobin asked nearly immediately afterwards.

Yeonjun hesitated, his eyes flashing with something similar to fear. But it was all washed away by his crescent smile and leaning onto Soobin’s shoulder. “Yeah, of course I do,” he hummed. “Probably more than you.”

Soobin hoped that was true.


	8. Chapter 8

**_June 22_ **

“No, no, no, because I’m genuinely so confused. Am I really missing something here, or am I really that stupid?” Soobin heard Beomgyu ask as he approached their usual study corner in the library. Yeonjun followed close beside him, his eyes still glued to his phone with his arm linked with Soobin’s.

Beomgyu had his computer screen facing Kai and Taehyun, the younger of the two staring intensely at the screen, while the other looked bored, barely giving whatever he was supposed to be looking at half-glance.

“Well, all I see is a bunch of flowers, Gyu,” Taehyun said with a straight face as he glanced up at Beomgyu, Kai continuing to analyze the picture. “Are we supposed to see something else?”

“Ooh, now I’m curious, are we guessing another painting Beomgyu got?” Yeonjun questioned, speed-walking over to Beomgyu and peering over his shoulder to gaze at the screen.

“This one is as stupid as the one before,” Beomgyu whined as Soobin took his seat, the older taking the computer himself to look, despite Yeonjun and Kai’s protests. “All I see is a bunch of flowers, and there’s somehow some big, special meaning behind them, but I don’t see anything else.”

  
  


Well, Beomgyu wasn’t wrong about the flowers, as Soobin could identify four different colored roses: wine red, navy blue, a soft lavender, and pure white.

And it looked like a normal painting of flowers in a glass vase at first, but there were trails of black paint that dripped at the roses’ petals, and down to their olive-green stems and thorns, which were soon tainted a shadowy grey. The painter even went as far as to make it drip onto the vase, that, too, slowly painted grey.

But Soobin wasn’t focusing much on that. His eyes were trained on the white roses that circled the base of the bouquet. He noticed how there weren't any signs of the black liquid stains, but rather specks of red that decorated the white petals. There was just something about it that unsettled him.

  
  


“Oh, it’s a hanahaki piece.”

“Huh? How’d you get that?”

Soobin glanced at Beomgyu before sighing out. “Well, for starters, it wasn’t even that hard to figure out, since it's blood and flowers, but I guess you all were too stupid to catch on,” he sighed out, grinning at the glares from the other four. “As for the meaning behind it, you’re probably gonna have to look up the meaning of the flowers, and the blood color, too.”

Beomgyu looked over to Taehyun, who immediately frowned in response as he looked to the older.

“Well, don’t look at me, I don’t know any of these meanings,” the florist pouted as he rested his head on the table. “My memory is still foggy, so I’m just as clueless as you are.”

  
  


The conversation ceased after that, as Beomgyu went on a personal rant, grumbling about some other classwork he had while complaining about his art teacher. Taehyun and Kai were both in their own little world, discussing some homework Soobin had no clue about.

Yeonjun, too, was stuck in his own little world and was doing everything but his classwork. He just leaned on Soobin’s shoulder the entire time, scrolling through his phone, mumbling something about ordering new clothes, and how outrageously expensive they were when “they look like a five-year-old made this, and begged their mom to sell it”.

Then there was Soobin, who tried his best to focus on his work, but couldn’t. His brain couldn’t focus on the mock court case report but was rather cluttered with the thoughts of white roses and scarlet liquid.

And it really shouldn’t be bothering Soobin that much, but he was starting to become frustrated. You really couldn’t blame him, as he had to reread the same paragraph over and over again because his brain decided it was going to occupy itself with overthinking a stupid painting instead of the task at hand.

  
  


There was a headache beginning to form at the back of his head, and his heart felt as if it was skipping multiple beats while simultaneously speeding up, as if it was trying to catch up with itself. Soobin ignored it, though, simply rubbing the side of his head before going back to reading.

Soon, it didn’t feel like Soobin was actually breathing, feeling out of breath, and the feeling of nausea was forming at the pits of his stomach. He, again ignored it, sighing out and hoping that it would work, and he could go back to reading.

It wasn’t until he felt as if he was suffocating, his chest feeling heavier than before while it felt as if his throat felt as if it was closing up on him. He couldn’t ignore it this time.

  
  


“Soobin?”

Nearly losing his balance from standing up too quickly, Soobin flashed Yeonjun the most genuine grin he could, as the older looked worried and confused as to why his boyfriend was getting up so quickly.

“Just going to the bathroom is all. I’ll be right back, though,” he reassured before he rushed off, unable to miss the concerned looks from his younger friends.

»——❀——«

It was honestly a miracle Soobin even made it to the bathroom in one piece, as with every step he took, he felt as if he was closer to passing out. Even when he made it into the stall, his legs gave out nearly immediately, Soobin having to lean on the wall for balance.

He also wasn’t sure if it was the smell of the bathroom or his stomach gurgling that made him want to throw up, as he gagged at the odor the moment he stepped inside, but whichever it was, it clearly didn’t matter. Only seconds later, he was on his knees, and throwing up whatever he had that morning, which wasn’t much, yet felt like a lot.

So for a minute or two, Soobin emptied every part of him that he could muster, which left him sweaty and his breath unsteady in the end. However, there was still that lump in his chest that he couldn’t get out.

The feeling of dread and anxiety, which was forming back in the library, began to settle in the middle of his chest. 

_“This can’t be happening again-”_

  
  


“Soob - Soobin, what the fuck?”

Looking behind him, the pinkette immediately swore beneath his breath as he made eye contact with Yeonjun, realizing he never locked the door.

“God - just going to the bathroom my ass, you should’ve told me you weren’t feeling well, you idiot,” Yeonjun scolded with no malice behind his voice as he pulled Soobin from the toilet, grimacing. “And here you are, sitting on this floor when it’s dirty as shit. Do you think you can stand?”

“Kinda tired. Might pass out if I stand for too long, but I think I can,” Soobin mumbled, not bothering to fight back as Yeonjun helped him to his feet. 

Sighing out as the minute he leaned against the wall, it took everything in him to not huff out in embarrassment. This is the second time Yeonjun’s seen him in a vulnerable state, which was already too much for Soobin’s liking.

  
  


“I’ll be-” Soobin tried to say, but was cut off by Yeonjun’s sharp glare.

“Say you’re anything close to fine or okay, and I’ll put you in the infirmary myself so you can get some rest,” he said with a hiss as he pulled out his phone and quickly typed something in it, more than likely telling Beomgyu what was going on. “You’re not staying here either, not when you can barely stand.”

“But I drove here-”

“And I’m gonna drive you home. I don’t trust you to be behind the wheel.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled beneath his breath, earning a loud sigh from the older.

“This isn’t the time to be apologizing, you didn’t even do anything wrong,” Yeonjun grumbled in a low tone, his hand making its way into Soobin’s hair. “But I’ll scold you when my class ends. Does that sound fair?”

“You were gonna do it even if it wasn’t fair.”

“Ah, my boyfriend knows me so well, doesn’t he?”

»——❀——«

Whenever Yeonjun drove him anywhere, Soobin would typically fall asleep, as the older’s humming to the songs on the radio and the gentle rocking from the car was enough to lull him to sleep.

Today, he couldn’t, not when so much was on his mind that he couldn’t rest his eyes and clock out for a second. So he chose to stare out the window, hoping that watching the buildings pass would bore him enough that’ll put him to sleep.

  
  


“You know, I’ve been thinking about redying my hair,” Yeonjun said as he looked from the rearview mirror, earning a glance from Soobin. “Might bleach it back to blonde. My hair’s starting to grow longer, too, so should I grow it out?”

And Yeonjun wasn’t wrong about that, as Soobin started to notice the small little ponytail the other would put up sometimes whenever they went to bed.

“Grow it out, I think long hair would suit you,” he mumbled, feeling a lopsided grin form at the corner of his lips. “Huh, maybe I’ll have something to grab onto for once when we make out-”

“Oh my God, can I at least get a warning before you say something without a filter?” Yeonjun interjected with a glare. And he tried to hide his burning red ears by making his blue hair fall past them, but his efforts were, fortunately, useless.

“Well, where’s the fun if I do tell you? I get to miss your reactions if I do,” Soobin pouted before looking back out the window. “And maybe I’ll just dye my hair back to black. I miss my natural hair color.”

“Ugh, but black is such a boring color to do.”

“I’ll have you know, I look quite good in black, so I guess I’m just gonna with the boring color.”

  
  


“Thankfully, you look great in everything, so I wouldn’t doubt it. And it’s a you I haven’t seen before, so I’m interested,” the older hummed as he looked back to the road. “But your surgery, has the hospital said anything about it yet?”

Soobin pursed his lips as a small “oh” escaped them. Because yeah, the letter was good, great even, but it had completely left his mind by that morning.

“Ah, right about that, well, I got approved for the surgery - well, the testing, really, so more than likely the surgery too,” Soobin said with a sigh. “So my surgery would probably be sometime in the middle of July.”

“Which is just in time for summer vacation, too,” Yeonjun said, Soobin able to sense the smile in his voice. “I wonder what you’re gonna be like after the surgery...ooh, what if you’re the clingy one - actually, you’re already a bit clingy, so that won’t work. So maybe the over-romantic-”

“Junnie, my entire personality isn’t going to change just because of a surgery,” Soobin interrupted with a snort as he looked back over to the azurette. “That’s not how most things work anyways.”

“Most, but not all. And who knows, you might end up changing a bit,” Yeonjun argued. “Like, what if you turn into one of those boyfriends who would draw pictures of their partner, or, better yet cook for the other for like, dates and stuff.”

  
  


“I don’t even cook, you do, and that alone is saying much,” Soobin grumbled, feeling the glare from the other. He wasn’t the least bit surprised that Yeonjun was about to get ahead of himself - it was Choi Yeonjun for God’s sake. “But since we’re nearing the house, can you stay with me? Just for the day.”

Yeonjun’s face scrunched up. “I feel like you have something planned.”

“I can’t even cuddle with you any more without you thinking something’s up?”

“And that’s exactly what I mean because when have we ever just cuddled and not have it lead to making out?”

“And when have you ever insisted on “just cuddling”?” he taunted. “Because you seem to enjoy it as much as I do.”

Yeonjun said nothing in return before groaning out. “God, you’re so fucking irritating. You better be glad I rode with Beomgyu instead of driving,” he said with a hiss.

“You’re saying all that as if you hate it.”

“Shut up before I put you on the side of the road and make you walk.”


	9. Chapter 9

_**June 22** _

And they really were just cuddling at first, the two of them sprawled out on the loveseat with Soobin running his hands through Yeonjun’s faded blue hair as he scrolled through his phone while they lazily watched some show they put on the television just for the sake of noise.

But at some point, both Yeonjun’s phone and the remote that was resting on the armrest had been discarded and thrown to the floor. The show had been completely forgotten, as Soobin was more interested in the way Yeonjun looked breathtakingly ethereal beneath him as he was pinned down to the couch by his wrists.

Soobin loved this. He loved how soft the azurette’s lips felt on his despite being rough with it. He loved that he could pin Yeonjun down with one hand as the other held onto his waist, and the way Yeonjun would try to pull out of his grasp in a desperate attempt to grab onto him, often being by the shirt, or wrapping his arms around his neck, while doing his hardest to keep up with the kiss.

And whenever they had to pull away to breathe again, God, Soobin wanted to capture the way the other looked so he would never forget it. He adored the way Yeonjun’s eyes would be filled with total bliss, wide and doe, and his tanned skin would flush deeply red all over, showing in his face and down to his chest.

And his lips, God, that had to Soobin’s favorite thing about him. The way they would be fuller than they already were, bruising red, a change from the usual blush pink.

  
  


“Hey, Binnie,” Yeonjun called out softly, dragging him out of his daze. “You’re staring again.”

And he was. He eyed every part of Yeonjun, from his face down to his body and back up. He knew it made Yeonjun, someone who has no problem being the center of attention and adores praises, sheepish, always squirming under Soobin’s stare.

_God_ , he was so fucking love.

  
  


“Oh my - Binnie, you goddamn oaf, you’re too heavy, get off of me” Yeonjun whined when Soobin laid on top of him, his arms wrapping around Yeonjun’s waist as he buried his face in the crook of his neck.

The other must’ve been wearing some new type of scented lotion or perfume, as Soobin was quickly met with a foreign scent. It was citrusy, similar to how Beomgyu smelled, but definitely sweeter, as it smelled as if vanilla had been added into the mix.

“You’re wearing something new. What is it?”

“Uh, a lotion. It's magnolia scented I think.”

Making a mental note to buy more magnolia scented perfumes for Yeonjun and candles for himself, Soobin picked his boyfriend up by the waist to place him on his lap as he sat up, despite the other’s protest.

  
  


“You’re so clingy today, what is up with you?” Yeonjun wondered aloud with a sigh as Soobin rested his head on his chest. “Do you want something from me, huh? Are you smothering me because you want me to get you something? Was the dog not enough for you?”

“I have money, Junnie, so no, if anything, I wanna be the one to spoil you,” Soobin said, his voice muffled from pressing his face into Yeonjun’s shirt. “But, Junnie, do you love me? Do you really?” He looked up to see Yeonjun looking down, eyes averting his gaze. “And please, be honest with me because I noticed the way you reacted when the doctor said it was up to us to decide if we were in love.”

“I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not because I am, a lot actually, but I’m still...I’m still unsure about this whole surgery thing,” Yeonjun confessed, his voice small. “Because what if we’re not as in love as we thought, and you get the surgery, one of us gets sick? Then what?”

  
  


“Hmm, well that is a possibility, yeah,” Soobin agreed with a hum as his hands made way beneath Yeonjun’s shirt and up his waist. “But tell me, what do you feel right now?”

“Warm. Really warm.”

“Is that all you feel? How about now?”

Soobin brought Yeonjun closer to him, their lips just barely touching. He could hear the way Yeonjun’s heart would stutter in beat and the breath he was so desperately holding trying to come out, see the way he would look everywhere but at him, and the felt the way he would flinch whenever he grazed across a certain area of his chest.

“I guess fuzzy and - fuck you, stop touching me there, asshole - warm,” Yeonjun said with a huff. “But anyone could make me feel this way, couldn’t they? Maybe we’re just too close.”

Soobin rose a brow. “Oh really?” he questioned with a head tilt. “Then you don’t need me, right?”

He attempted to pull away from Yeonjun, but the blue-haired boy was faster, grabbing him by the wrist that should’ve left him with a mark from how hard he grabbed on with a harsh glare.

“Now what are you trying to do?”

“Don’t you play with me, Soobin.”

“And you say I’m the hot and cold one,” Soobin said with a click of the tongue before shifting to where Yeonjun was placed on his back to where he was hovering on him, the older glaring up at him. “You’re also a horrible liar. So tell me, when was the last time someone before me made you feel this way?”

  
  


When Yeonjun didn’t say a thing in response, Soobin didn’t bother holding back a smirk. 

He wouldn’t say that he was cocky, but he knew he felt some pride in himself. He knew that he was the only one who made Yeonjun, someone who has dated a gratuitous amount in the past, both men and women, feel some type of way. 

He was the only one who’s lasted more than four months, the only one who made Yeonjun’s time worthwhile. Of course he was going to be proud of what he could do.

  
  


“Let’s just face it, Junnie, you’re in love with me as much as I am with you,” Soobin hummed as he lied back down on Yeonjun’s chest. “And you’re so insistent on believing that you aren’t, why is that?”

“It’s called being cautious.”

“But why are you being cautious when the facts are right in front of you?”

“Because not everything goes the way we think it will, that’s how things work, Binnie,” Yeonjun mumbled, this time his hands running through Soobin’s pink hair. “And you know, it’s better to be prepared than to get our hopes up and get them crushed.”

Soobin frowned. He knew Yeonjun could be pessimistic, though oftentimes, it would slip his mind. Nowadays, though, it seemed to be more prevalent than usual.

  
  


“Well, that doesn’t mean we can be a negative all the time, now does it?” he asked with a half-grin, Yeonjun scoffing in response. “Anyways, what were you rambling about in the car again? Oh, right, how I would change after the surgery. Let’s just think about that for now, yeah?”

Yeonjun stayed silent before his eyes glistened with excitement, which honestly scared Soobin a little bit. Not because he looked scary or anything, but because that normally happened whenever he had a clearly illegal idea.

“Well, how about we make a list?” he suggested as he sat up, throwing Soobin off of him and the couch. “Maybe a list of things we can do since summer break is in a couple of days? Oh, they can be dates we can do over!”

“We can literally do all of that right now,” Soobin grumbled as he made no effort to pull himself off of the floor.

Yeonjun huffed. “Well, this is clearly more important since now you can actually feel the love now,” he explained as he climbed off the couch and sat next to Soobin. “It’ll be a new experience for you, and maybe for me, too!”

There were so many sides to Yeonjun that Soobin adored, but this one had to be his favorite. The side of him that radiating childlike joy, the side where his cat-like eyes became all wide and filled with stars.

  
  


Yeonjun let out a small noise of surprise as Soobin grabbed him by the arms and pulled him down to his chest.

“Well, how about we make the list sometime later on or tonight?” he asked with a grin, his hands snaking up Yeonjun’s waist. “Because our last kiss didn’t leave me as satisfied as I thought it would. Wanna change that?”

Yeonjun glared up at him before shifting to where he was now hovering over Soobin.

“God, you’re so fucking annoying, did you know that?” he asked with a whisper before capturing the kiss, which was sweeter than before, as the aroma of lemons and vanilla started to float around them.

Yeonjun made him sick. But he loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl i didnt have a reason to upload this chapter i just wanted to TT


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